Dear Universal Returns Dept, I am writing yet again to request a refund for the blankets that I didn’t realize were shipping from China and which are now stuck somewhere between the moon and New York City. I know it’s been a mere six weeks since I placed the order, but as it looks like it will be bathing suit season before they’re located, cash right now will be more welcome than faux cashmere throws at a date TBD. I appreciate that you can’t control worldwide shipping but answering my increasingly plaintive calls and emails would have given me hope that said company actually exists. While I have your attention, I would also like to receive my money back for the steaks I ordered sent to far-flung family members who will not be gathering this year as we are actually abiding by CDC pleas to stay home. Since I can’t be with them, I wanted to imagine them toasting Mom’s thoughtfulness during Christmas dinners across the country. I admit it wasn’t a completely altruistic gesture. Unfortunately the steaks arrived three days late, thoroughly defrosted, and on the verge of cooking themselves after their long strange journeys. (Did I mention the blood in my first call?) I guess I didn’t understand when I filled in the date on which I wanted them delivered, as required on your order form, you actually meant: “An approximate date which we might try and meet but don’t blame us and for god’s sake don’t try and call us if the dry ice gives out before they reach their destination. Shit happens!” I know everyone is over-extended but answering my increasingly plaintive calls and emails would be a nice Customer Service touch. You know, for the future. If you’re still in business. Looking on the bright side, we could all do with eating less meat, so thanks for that. Here’s wishing you many happy returns of the season! XOXO Nikki
